New Year like Last Year

     2021 is underway and for most people, its probably the most hope they've felt in a long while. We seem to have a vaccine to defeat COVID-19 (for those of you who believe in science) and maybe, just maybe, 2021 is the turn in a long dark tunnel that reveals the light at the end of the tunnel. It may be very well possible that we've been in the darkness for so long, madness has driven us into hallucinations and insanity. At the minimum, we've likely set out to crush our New Years resolutions, even if they ended up being the same ones as last year because well.... we lack willpower. 

    So the question really becomes, is there any point in making New Years resolutions? Humans are extremely habitual creatures- I'm convinced that if we had an auto-pilot feature to life, we'd only ever exit to eat, fuck, or watch Tik Toks. To will ourselves to make meaningful changes in our daily lives, to revolutionize our self, almost seems like a folly. I mean, if our goals are so desirable and meaningful- why did it take until 2021 to set them as goals? Or perhaps these goals are almost impossible to reasonably achieve within the span of the a calendar year so we've come back to them? If such is the case, I think I'll make New Years resolutions for 2031. A lot can happen in ten years. Surely by then I'll have at least a dollar more to my name in the bank and chiseled rock hard abs. If not, I hope Elon Musk figures out some laser abs therapy, and I'll even not spend the next quarter I pick up since it would make me 25 cents richer than I am today. Hell, if I lived on 25 cents a day, I'd already have abs and be on the next cast for Superman.

    But since 2031 is a long ways away and I am a feeble minded individual who deserves instant gratification, I have some resolutions with unrealistic expectations of results and amount of work required- naysayers be damned.

    First and foremost, I really want to lose weight. At my current body state- its the objectively correct decision. Let's name some of the benefits that would come with losing weight. From a scientific standpoint, I'd get to live a longer healthier life. Honestly could be a curse- only time will tell. Professionally, its easier to do my job properly if I'm more fit. Financially, I won't have to buy duplicates of my closet for one additional "X" on the label. Socially, I'd be more accepted. Yes, I've heard the whole body positivity thing, loving yourself, loving others for who they are and the whole spiel.  You would have to be extremely out of touch with reality to think that people don't judge based on appearances. Seeing as its not 200 B.C., and obesity is no longer associated with cool hip aristocratic wealth, quite the contrary in fact, the ladies don't exactly swoon over us. However, if that's not the world you live in, please do tell as I'll book 2 seats on the next flight there.

    Before we continue, I'd like to dispute some widely held beliefs. Specifically, the fact that your genital is the most sensitive organ in your body. A quick Google search will reveal that your tongue has about 2000-4000 taste buds and the penis contains about 4000-5000 nerve endings as well. It seems like a fair 1:1 fight except you remember that your taste buds serve as a specific receptor for a distinct taste. Still, why do I keep reaching for that next Sara Lee pound cake when each one makes it less likely for me to date Sara Lee? Shouldn't my brain be telling me, "Hey man, sex is so much cooler than pound cake?" What about that biological impulse to procreate and pass as many offspring as possible? Shouldn't it be voicing its opinion while I'm chugging Coke? At the same time, these guys aren't exactly cheering from the bleachers when I'm eating celery and quinoa, sensitive nerves my ass. Too bad I can't ask a doctor to fix my penis without being prescribed the blue stuff. 

    My next resolution is to read aloud for 60 minutes a week. I'm going to be honest, I sound like I have a speech impediment when I try to read aloud. My brain digests the words off a page so much faster than my lips can keep up with that it comes out sounding garbled. Pretty much, I have poor Eye-Mouth coordination. Its probably why I'm fat because I don't exactly see what I'm eating. Regardless, I think that oration is important in all facets of life, so it would most likely behoove me to be proficient in all facets of oration. This is also a skill I can practice while doing one of my favorite activities so its really a win-win. The only sad part is why I didn't come to this realization earlier in my life. I blame all the first graders who didn't call me out on it when I read for them. 

So of these two resolutions, betting will open at 6AM PST/9AM EST on 08JAN2021 for which one I'll be most successful with. Feel free to bet and double that sweet sweet $600 stimulus check. Til next time

   -Bubs